A Ton of Crap Read online

  Paul Kleinman

  Contains material adapted and abridged from

  The Lazy Intellectual by Richard J. Wallace and James V. Wallace, copyright © 2010 by F+W Media, Inc., ISBN 10: 1-4405-0456-3, ISBN 13: 978-1-4405-0456-3

  The Everything® Guide to Algebra by Christopher Monahan, copyright © 2011 by F+W Media, Inc., ISBN 10: 1-4405-0458-X; ISBN 13: 978-1-4405-0458-7

  The Everything® Guide to Calculus 1, copyright © 2011 by F+W Media, Inc., ISBN 10: 1-4405-0629-9; ISBN 13: 978-1-4405-0629-1

  The Everything® American Government Book by Nick Ragone, copyright © 2004 by F+W Media, Inc., ISBN 10: 1-59337-055-5, ISBN 13: 978-1-59337-055-8

  The Everything® American History Book, 2nd Edition

  by John R. McGeehan, copyright © 2007 by F+W Media, Inc., ISBN 10: 1-59869-261-5, ISBN 13: 978-1-59869-261-7

  The Everything® American Presidents Book by Martin Kelly and Melissa Kelly, copyright © 2007 by F+W Media, Inc., ISBN 10: 1-59869-258-5, ISBN 13: 978-1-59869-258-7

  The Everything® American Revolution Book by Daniel P. Murphy, copyright © 2008 by F+W Media, Inc., ISBN 10: 1-59869-538-X, ISBN 13: 978-1-59869-538-0

  The Everything® Civil War Book, 2nd Edition by Brooke C. Stoddard and Daniel P. Murphy, copyright © 2009 by F+W Media, Inc., ISBN 10: 1-4405-0456-3, ISBN 13: 978-1-59869-922-7

  The Everything® Classical Mythology Book, 2nd Edition by Nancy Conner, copyright © 2010 by F+W Media, Inc., ISBN 10: 1-59869-922-9, ISBN 13: 978-1-4405-0240-8

  The Everything® Creative Writing Book, 2nd Edition by Wendy Burt-Thomas, copyright © 2010 by F+W Media, Inc., ISBN 10: 1-44050-152-1, ISBN 13: 978-1-44050-152-4

  The Everything® Grammar and Style Book by Susan Thurman, copyright © 2002 by F+W Media, Inc., ISBN 10: 1-58062-573-8, ISBN 13: 978-1-58062-573-9

  The Everything® Guide to C. S. Lewis and Narnia Book by Jon Kennedy, copyright © 2008 by F+W Media, Inc., ISBN 10: 1-59869-427-8, ISBN 13: 978-1-59869-427-7

  The Everything® Guide to Edgar Allan Poe by Shelley Costa Bloomfield, copyright © 2007 by F+W Media, Inc., ISBN 10: 1-59869-527-4, ISBN 13: 978-1-59869-527-4

  The Everything® Guide to Understanding Philosophy by Kenneth Shouler, copyright © 2008 by F+W Media, Inc., ISBN 10: 1-59869-610-6, ISBN 13: 978-1-59869-610-3

  The Everything® Learning French Book, 2nd Edition by Bruce Sallee and David Hebert, copyright © 2007 by F+W Media, Inc., ISBN 10: 1-59869-412-X, ISBN 13: 978-1-59869-412-3

  The Everything® Learning German Book, 2nd Edition by Edward Swick, copyright © 2009 by F+W Media, Inc., ISBN 10: 1-59869-989-X, ISBN 13: 978-1-59869-989-0

  The Everything® Learning Italian Book, 2nd Edition

  by Ronald Glenn Wrigley, copyright © 2009 by F+W Media, Inc., ISBN 10: 1-60550-092-5, ISBN 13: 978-1-60550-092-8

  The Everything® Learning Latin Book by Richard E. Prior, copyright © 2003 by F+W Media, Inc., ISBN 10: 1-58062-881-8, ISBN 13: 978-1-58062-881-5

  The Everything® Learning Russian Book with CD by Julia Stakhnevich, copyright © 2007 by F+W Media, Inc., ISBN 10: 1-59869-387-5, ISBN 13: 978-1-59869-387-4

  The Everything® Learning Spanish Book, 2nd Edition by Julie Gutin, copyright © 2007 by F+W Media, Inc., ISBN 10: 1-59869-173-2, ISBN 13: 978-1-59869-173-3

  The Everything® Psychology Book by Lynda L. Warwick and Lesley Bolton, copyright © 2004 by F+W Media, Inc., ISBN 10: 1-59337-056-3, ISBN 13: 978-1-59337-056-5

  The Everything® Shakespeare Book, 2nd Edition by Cork Miller, copyright © 2008 by F+W Media, Inc., ISBN 10: 1-59869-453-7, ISBN 13: 978-1-59869-453-6

  The Everything® World War II Book, 2nd Edition by David White and David P. Murphy, copyright © 2010 by F+W Media, Inc., ISBN 10: 1-59869-641-6, ISBN 13: 978-1-59869-641-7.

  The Everything® World’s Religions Book, 2nd Edition by Kenneth Shouler, copyright © 2007 by F+W Media, Inc., ISBN 10: 1-44050-036-3, ISBN 13: 978-1-4405-0036-7

  contents

  Introduction

  LESSON 1

  History: Mesopotamia and the First Civilizations •Language Arts: Punctuation •Math: Numbers •Science: Evolution •Foreign Language: Latin

  LESSON 2

  History: Xia Dynasty •Language Arts: Phonics •Math: Zero •Science: Cells •Foreign Language: Spanish

  LESSON 3

  History: Ancient Egypt • Language Arts: Composition • Math: Inca Mathematics • Science: The Nervous System • Foreign Language: French

  LESSON 4

  History: The Huns • Language Arts: The Alphabet • Math: Greek Mathematics • Science: The Circulatory System • Foreign Language: Italian

  LESSON 5

  History: The Ottoman Empire • Language Arts: Language • Math: Chinese Mathematics • Science: The Respiratory System • Foreign Language: German

  LESSON 6

  History: The Magna Carta • Language Arts: Reading • Math: Scientific Notation • Science: The Digestive System • Foreign Language: Polish

  LESSON 7

  History: The Reformation • Language Arts: Writing • Math: Operations • Science: Tissues • Foreign Language: Russian

  LESSON 8

  History: Rome • Language Arts: Speaking • Math: Decimals • Science: Reproduction • Foreign Language: Greek

  LESSON 9

  History: The Middle Ages • Language Arts: Listening • Math: Measurement • Science: Genetics • Foreign Language: Bulgarian

  LESSON 10

  History: The Crusades • Language Arts: Thinking • Math: Graphs • Science: The Earth’s Layers • Foreign Language: Albanian

  LESSON 11

  History: The Renaissance • Language Arts: Visual Literacy • Math: Pi • Science: Natural Disasters • Foreign Language: Portuguese

  LESSON 12

  History: The Ming Dynasty • Language Arts: Braille • Math: Angles • Science: The Solar System • Foreign Language: Dutch

  LESSON 13

  History: Columbus and the New World • Language Arts: Dialects • Math: Pythagorean Theorem • Science: The Big Bang • Foreign Language: Swedish

  LESSON 14

  History: The American Revolution • Language Arts: Figures of Speech • Math: Fibonacci Sequence • Science: Galileo Galilei • Foreign Language: Finnish

  LESSON 15

  History: The Constitution • Language Arts: Literary Terms • Math: Square Roots • Science: Stephen Hawking • Foreign Language: Icelandic

  LESSON 16

  History: The Industrial Revolution • Language Arts: Literary Elements • Math: Geometry • Science: The Periodic Table • Foreign Language: Croatian

  LESSON 17

  History: The French Revolution • Language Arts: Developing a Paragraph • Math: Basic Algebra • Science: Chemical Formulas • Foreign Language: Belarusian

  LESSON 18

  History: The Civil War • Language Arts: Virginia Woolf • Math: Linear Algebra • Science: John Dalton • Foreign Language: Czech

  LESSON 19

  History: The Spanish-American War • Language Arts: Jane Austen • Math: Modern Algebra • Science: Weather • Foreign Language: Hungarian

  LESSON 20

  History: The War of 1812 • Language Arts: Debating • Math: Curves • Science: Global Warming • Foreign Language: Korean

  LESSON 21

  History: The Salem Witch Trials • Language Arts: Poetry • Math: Precalculus • Science: Isaac Newton • Foreign Language: Japanese

  LESSON 22

  History: Gandhi • Language Arts: Horror • Math: Calculus • Science: Quantum Mechanics • Foreign Language: Mandarin

  LESSON 23

  History: The Russian Revolution • Language Arts: Humor • Math: Trigonometry • Science: Albert Einstein • Foreign Language: Cantonese

  LESSON 24r />
  History: World War I • Language Arts: Mystery • Math: Logic • Science: The Copenhagen Interpretation • Foreign Language: Vietnamese

  LESSON 25

  History: The Wright Brothers • Language Arts: Edgar Allan Poe • Math: Probability • Science: String Theory • Foreign Language: Hebrew

  LESSON 26

  History: The Panama Canal • Language Arts: Fantasy • Math: Statistics • Science: Early Medicine • Foreign Language: Yiddish

  LESSON 27

  History: The Great Depression • Language Arts: Alice in Wonderland • Math: Game Theory • Science: Archimedes • Foreign Language: Arabic

  LESSON 28

  History: World War II • Language Arts: Science Fiction • Math: Knot Theory • Science: The Earth’s Spheres • Foreign Language: Sign Language

  LESSON 29

  History: The Holocaust • Language Arts: Fairytales • Math: Chaos Theory • Science: Geologic Periods • Foreign Language: Hindi

  LESSON 30

  History: The Cold War • Language Arts: Biographies • Math: Applied Mathematics • Science: Biomes • Foreign Language: Mayan Languages

  LESSON 31

  History: The Baby Boomers and the Sixties • Language Arts: Nonfiction • Math: Fermat’s Last Theorem • Science: Photosynthesis • Foreign Language: Filipino

  LESSON 32

  History: Landing on the Moon • Language Arts: William Shakespeare • Math: Pascal’s Triangle • Science: Early Humans • Foreign Language: Swahili

  LESSON 33

  History: The Cultural Revolution in China • Language Arts: Victorian Literature • Math: Group Theory • Science: Gas Laws • Foreign Language: Pashto

  LESSON 34

  History: Vietnam War • Language Arts: Charles Dickens • Math: The Number e • Science: Plasma • Foreign Language: Afrikaans

  LESSON 35

  History: Korean War • Language Arts: Existentialism • Math: Unsolved Math Problems • Science: Anthropology • Foreign Language: Cherokee

  LESSON 36

  History: Civil Rights • Language Arts: Franz Kafka • Math: Diophantine Equations • Science: Mitosis • Foreign Language: Khoisan Languages

  LESSON 37

  History: Gulf War • Language Arts: Journalism • Math: Category Theory • Science: Types of Animals • Foreign Language: Amharic

  LESSON 38

  History: Y2K • Language Arts: Joseph Pulitzer • Math: Prime Numbers • Science: Stem Cells • Foreign Language: Spiritualism, Mediums, and Talking to the Dead

  LESSON 39

  History: War on Terror • Language Arts: Propaganda Techniques • Math: Infinity • Science: DNA • Foreign Language: Extinct Languages

  LESSON 40

  History: Israeli-Palestinian Conflict • Language Arts: Editing Strategies • Math: Logarithms • Science: RNA • Foreign Language: Endangered Languages

  Index

  Introduction

  Welcome to the Stalls of Academia

  This is an education by way of the bathroom visit. It’s about time you took your stay in here a little more seriously—well, as seriously as you can with your pants around your ankles. What follows is a digestible re-education in everything you probably learned at one time or another, but forgot because your head is filled with so much crap. Don’t worry though; the way the information’s presented, the learning won’t be too rough, and you’ll actually be entertained as you pass the time.

  During every visit, you’ll be schooled on five academic subjects: History, Language Arts, Math, Science, and Foreign Language. Each subject is broken down into topics like Ancient Egypt, Logarithms, and Poetry. And then each topic is split into six mini-lessons to avoid cramming too much information into one sitting. So you aren’t just presented with a brain-dump on the American Revolution all at once; instead, you’ll learn about the shot heard ’round the world during your first visit, the Battle of Bunker Hill the next time you drop by, and so on so by the end of the week you’ll have a full understanding of the topic. Think of each visit as a day of middle school crammed into one bathroom break.

  But don’t think you’re squeaking out of here without getting tested. This is supposed to be educational after all. Once you’ve digested the week’s worth of information, you’ll be quizzed on those particular topics. Don’t bother bringing a pencil though. The quick and fun multiple-choice questions don’t require any real writing, and you don’t have to worry about wiping the page clean when you finish. Just take your time and don’t push yourself too hard.

  So get comfortable, relax, and get ready to learn. Rather than idle away as you do your business, it’s time for a first-class education that finishes when you flush—and picks back up again when you sit back down.

  Lesson 1

  HISTORY:

  Mesopotamia and the First Civilizations

  The Sumerians, Ziggurats,

  The Akkadians, Babylonia,

  The Hittites, Inventions

  LANGUAGE ARTS:

  Punctuation

  How It Started, The Period, The Comma, The Semicolon, The Colon, The Dash

  MATH: Numbers

  Babylonian Numbers, The Greek Numbers, The Egyptian Numbers, Roman Numerals, Arabic Numerals, Real Numbers

  SCIENCE: Evolution

  Charles Darwin Sails to the Galapagos, Darwin’s Finches, Natural Selection, On the Origin of Species, Genetic Drift, Mutation

  FOREIGN LANGUAGE: Latin

  Ancestor of Romance Languages, Classical Latin, Vulgar Latin, Medieval Latin, Renaissance Latin, An Extinct Language and New Latin

  LESSON 1A

  MESOPOTAMIA AND THE FIRST CIVILIZATIONS

  The Sumerians Six thousand years ago, the first civilizations developed between the Tigris and Euphrates Rivers in what is now Iraq. The first civilization was known as Sumer, and the different villages developed self-governing city-states with a temple, or ziggurat, at the center of each city-state. As a result of the location, there was seasonal flooding and a hot, dry environment. This led to very fertile ground, which farmers took advantage of, producing crops such as wheat, barley, sesame, and flax.

  PUNCTUATION

  How It Started Use of punctuation dates back to Ancient Greece and Rome. Orators placed marks in their speeches to indicate where and when to pause. These marks were given names such as period, comma, and colon, correlating for the kind of pauses needed. Punctuation was used infrequently, and it was not until the fifteenth century, with the introduction and rise of printing in England, that the punctuation we know today began being used.

  NUMBERS

  Babylonian Numbers The Babylonians, another civilization of Mesopotamia, created a number system 5,000 years ago. The Babylonians used the cuneiform writing system, and their number system was originally based on a set of tally marks. Their number system was extremely complex, and the Babylonians divided the day into 24 hours, 60 minutes an hour, and 60 seconds a minute. Their system was sexagesimal rather than decimal, meaning all numbers are based on the number 60 and powers of 60. Decimal, or base ten, is the number system we use today.

  EVOLUTION

  Charles Darwin Sails to the Galapagos In 1831, twenty-year-old Charles Darwin, a failing medical scholar and naturalist, sailed to the Galapagos Islands on a five-year-long trip. When Darwin landed on San Cristobal, he noticed something peculiar about the animals on the island. Not only were the animals different from those on the mainland, but also, among the islands, animals of the same species behaved differently due to different environments.

  LATIN

  Ancestor of Romance Languages Latin is an Indo-European language that was spoken in ancient Rome. It is the ancestor of all modern Romance languages today, including Italian, Spanish, French, Portuguese, and Romanian just to name a few. Although it is officially a dead language, meaning no one speaks it as a native language, Latin is still used in the Roman Catholic Church.

  LESSON 1B

  MESOPOTAMIA AND THE FIRST CIVI
LIZATIONS

  Ziggurats The ziggurats at the heart of each city-state served many purposes. Not only were they there for religious reasons, but they were also the center of daily life for the Sumerian people. The Sumerians believed there were many powerful gods in the sky, and they dedicated these large temples to them with steps leading to the top. The ziggurats were built of mud-brick. At the very top of each, religious ceremonies were held.

  PUNCTUATION

  The Period A period is used at the end of a sentence, creating a statement and completing a thought. A period can also be used at the end of a command, such as, “When you’ve finished the last part of the exam, put your pencils down.” A period is also used when ending an indirect question. For example, “Her boss asked her why she didn’t come to work on Monday.”

  NUMBERS

  The Greek Numbers The Greek numbers were based on the Greek alphabet, which came from the Phoenicians circa 900 b.c. The Greeks borrowed some of the symbols created by the Phoenicians and also created new symbols. By using the alphabet, they were able to have a more condensed version of their original system, Attic, a technique based on putting symbols in rows. By using letters instead, these numerical values took up less space on clay tablets and were able to be stamped on coins.

  EVOLUTION

  Darwin’s Finches The finches of the Galapagos laid the groundwork for understanding evolution. All of the finches Darwin saw shared many qualities. They were the same size and color and had similar habits. The most noticeable difference was the size and shape of their beaks. The difference in beak size and shape was a direct result of the different eating habits the birds had on the different islands.

  LATIN

  Classical Latin Classical Latin was used by the ancient Romans at the same time as Archaic Latin. Classical Latin was based on the language that was spoken by the more refined, upper classes of Romans, and was found in the literature of the time. Around 75 b.c. to a.d. 14, from the Republic all the way to the reign of Augustus Caesar, Latin literature was at its peak and was written in Classical Latin. This was referred to as the Golden Age.